bullying | Erin's Clishmaclaver

I’m my own worst enemy.

I’ve been contemplating the vicious cycle of low self-esteem this morning. It always takes the form of an internal conversation, between Me and The Bully (also me). It looks something like this:

Me: I really need to start training for that thing in July.

The Bully: You haven’t even finished the laundry you started yesterday! Or done the dishes. Or cleaned up the gardening tools, which have been sitting out for a week. Or filled out the kids’ passport forms. You should get those jobs done first, slacker.

Me: But I’m tired. I’m tired all the damned time. And if I exercise, I’ll have more energy, and feel better about myself, which will, in turn, inspire me to do more.

The Bully: You talk a good talk, but you never walk the walk. Why don’t you start slowly, do the dishes, have another cigarette, play on Facebook a bit and then see how the day goes?

Me: That’s what I always do! And it’s not working! I feel like shit. I look like hell. When’s the last time I washed my hair? If I could just get UP and DO, I’d be so much better off.

The Bully: You think so? You think you’re made of the same stuff as the people in all those inspirational YouTube videos you watch late at night while gnoshing pretzels, capable of overcoming tremendous adversity one step at a time? You think you can deal with the challenges, frustrations and setbacks that come with any grandiose plan (of which you’ve had many)? You think you can stick with it? When have YOU ever stuck with anything?

Me: Well…I…

The Bully: That’s right. All the things you’ve “accomplished” thus far have been flukes. It’s not like you’ve ever really tried hard to do something, get something, be something. You just kind of lamely fall in to situations, and wait. You’ve never been the proactive type.

Me: But…my university degree…motherhood…my writing…? Surely those count as accomplishments?

The Bully: The only reason you started any one of those is because you had time to fill. Let’s keep it real.

Me: But…I…

The Bully: Allrighty, then! I think we’re done here. Let’s go have that cigarette and stare aimlessly off the porch for a while and dream impossible dreams for a bit before tackling the laundry.

Me: Okay.

It’s crazy-making. And what makes it worse is that all the brains in the world can’t suss out how to stop The Bully from dropping in unannounced. This isn’t something that is ruled by logic and reason. If it were, it would be so easy to build myself back up by looking at all I’ve done, as opposed to focusing on what has been left undone. I could practice daily Stewart Smalley affirmations.

I could get a subscription to “O” and believe everything I read about self-love.

“Yogurt is the next Prozac!”

I could do yoga and start believing in chakras, and thereby clean ’em out.

I’m fairly certain I’m not doing this right.

Ah, folks. It’s a hard row to hoe, sometimes. I don’t have any answers.

But today the sun is shining, and I’m going to get out there and enjoy it, laundry and Bully be damned.

♪ I’m prancin’…they be hatin’ ♫

Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry!

BULLY (n.)
1530s, originally “sweetheart,” applied to either sex, from Dutch ‘boel,’ “lover; brother,” probably a diminutive of Middle Dutch ‘broeder’ meaning “brother.”

We’ve come a long way, baby. Just not in the right direction.

This weekend, my daughter was the victim of bullying. I’m not talking about your garden-variety meanness here; the kid in question called her a fucking bitch, fuck face, told her she was a ‘ho,‘ proceeded to hit her with a stick and then pushed her into a tree. This all happened at the end of my street.

He’s eight years old. And in her class at school.

I have mixed feelings about the situation. I have a very headstrong daughter, and when he continued to call her names, she continually went back to tell him to stop, though the older girls she was with asked her repeatedly to just come along with them. I spoke to my girl about this, and told her that her friends had been correct; they should have either come straight to me at the onset or found another known adult to help them. As it turns out, another parent who lives closer to the end of the crescent had heard the commotion and went out to investigate. Witnessing the abuse, she approached the group of boys and berated them for their behaviour. Emma’s attacker ran off, but the others stayed. One of the boys, frightened by this unknown adult, called his parents, who arrived within a few minutes.

The three girls ran back to my house to tell me what had happened. I immediately took them back to the park and had them play on the climber while I went over to find out what I could. By the time I arrived, however, three parents from my street were standing in the park facing off with the one child’s parents. I approached the group, and after a few minutes of listening to the adults shout at each other, I interrupted and said to the mother, “Hello. My name is Erin. I’m the mother of the girl who was bullied here today, and I’m hoping we can talk.” At which point I reached out my hand to shake hers.

I got this:

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Not gonna happen.

She was really on a tear, and extraordinarily defensive. I understand that no parent wants to hear that their child might not be the angel they believe them to be, however even after listening to the adult and several kids who had witnessed it, she steadfastly refused to believe her child had been involved. I told her, calmly, that I had three girls who backed up each others’ accounts, to which she responded, “So where is the girl? Where is the girl this happened to? Is she here?” I replied that yes, my daughter was present, however there were a few things I wanted to clarify as adults beforehand, and I had instructed her to play on the climber. I said, “You have to understand that my eight-year-old is distressed right now, and it would upset her if she were to be asked to come and speak to an angry adult she doesn’t know.” To which she responded, “Why do you make it sound like her age is important? My son is eight, too, so what? I keep hearing these stories from everyone else. I want to talk to her, now!”

Ahem. Let me pause, here. My policy when in the midst of an emotional power keg is to transform into a Zen Master. I speak calmly, quietly and unexcitedly. I smile sincerely. I employ body language that allows the other person to understand I’m truly listening to them. However, at this point, when the woman repeatedly referred to my recently-traumatized daughter as ‘she’ and ‘her’ and ‘the girl,’ and for some reason believed I would actually make my kid face off with a raving, batshit-crazy adult, I realized I wasn’t in the least interested in continuing the conversation. Fortuitously, she was distracted by a baited comment from someone else, and I moved away.

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Buh-bye!

Over the next few minutes I spoke to the remaining kids and got their side of the story. They admitted there was bad language, though they weren’t in agreement as to whether or not my daughter was hit with a stick. They asserted my daughter continually went back and engaged the boy, until she was called away by her older playmates.

This morning before school began, I had a meeting with the school principal to apprise him of the situation. He agreed that he would speak to the teacher, and ensure that at no time of day would my daughter and the boy be left alone without adult supervision. He will be speaking to one of the girls my daughter was with, who, as a school lunch monitor, has apparently witnessed the boy bullying Em and others in the past. He will get the names of the other boys who were present. He will take the boy to a different classroom for lunchtimes (when no teacher is present). He will be calling the boy’s parents. All these things I agree with, but I have to say I’m still concerned with potential run-ins on the playground and in our neighborhood. What to do other than reiterate to my girl that in the event she cannot avoid this boy and he bullies her again, she needs to either a) walk away, b) run away c) run away and get an adult, pronto?

I have this inkling that 30+ years ago, this would have been handled differently. I’m quite sure the school wouldn’t have become involved, and that I’d be speaking directly to the boy’s parents. Thing is, in this world of BureaucracySpeak, I find myself out of my element, because my common sense reaction is no longer necessarily the most efficacious route to resolution.

What would YOU do?