Juno | Erin's Clishmaclaver

Jean Seberg and Jean-Paul Belmondo in Breathless (À bout de souffle), Godard, 1960

One of these days, I’m gonna write a poignant, hard-hitting, intellectual piece that takes your current state of being and stands it on its head.

But today ain’t that day. It’s Sunday. The day before the start of most work weeks. The slow-down day. Here, it’s grey and blustery. Winter is threatening to arrive at any minute, like a relative you dread seeing. Hearty stew eating weather, though I don’t have any at the moment, as I have to get rid of leftovers from the weekend. It becomes a snarky kind of day, if you let it. Happily, a bit of wine remains in the bottle, the fireplace is on and the kids are playing nicely.

I find myself lost in a reverie made up of films, and decided that the blog of the day would be listing some of my favourite lines.

I couldn’t find quotes for some, namely Il Postino (Radford, Troisi, 1994) Burnt by the Sun (Mikhalkov, 1994), Trois Couleurs [Bleu, Blanc, Rouge] (Kieślowski, 1993/4) and Project Grizzly (Lynch, NFB, 1996), all of which you should see.

Sit back and relax.

Drama

The best thing about feeling happy is that you think you’ll never be unhappy again.
Kiss of The Spider Woman, Babenco, 1985

Mrs. Fisher: Women’s heads weren’t made for thinking, I assure you. I should go to bed and get well.
Caroline Dester: I am well.
Mrs. Fisher: Then why did you send a message that you were ill?
Caroline: I didn’t.
Mrs. Fisher: Then I’ve had all the trouble of coming out here for nothing.
Caroline: But wouldn’t you prefer coming out and finding me well than coming out and finding me ill?
The Enchanted April, Newell, 1992

Michael: All right. This one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.
Kay Adams: Is it true? Is it?
Michael: No.
[Kay smiles and walks into his arms]
Kay Adams: I guess we both need a drink, huh?
[Kay goes to the kitchen to fix a drink, but sees Peter Clemenza, Rocco Lampone and Al Neri enter Michael’s office]
Clemenza: Don Corleone. [kisses Michael’s ring]
The Godfather, Coppola, 1972

Cecil: Your mama thought you were golden so we named you after yellow flowers and corn. This is you here…
[cuts some purslane from garden]
Cecil: …pretty, golden purslane.
Pursy: Purslane’s really a weed, you know. A neighbor told me when I was 9 and I ran over his tomato plants. He said all gardeners hate purslane.
Cecil: Yeah, and dandelions. Doesn’t stop kids from making wishes on ’em.
A Love Song for Bobby Long, Gabel, 2004

Comedy

Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn’t say “Fudge.” I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um…
Mr. Parker: That’s… what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over – I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child’s play compared to what surely awaited me.
A Christmas Story, Clark, 1983

Alvy Singer: I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Annie Hall, Allen, 1977

Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it’s a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there’s a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.
Tony Giardino: So who’s in this Pentavirate?
Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”
Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate “The Colonel”?
Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
So I Married An Axe Murderer, Schlamme, 1993

Juno MacGuff: I’ll take some of these. Nope… There it is. The little pink plus sign is so unholy.
[shakes pregnancy tester]
Rollo: That ain’t no Etch-A-Sketch. This is one doodle that can’t be un-did, Homeskillet.
Juno, Reitman, 2007

Action

[stumbles out of wrecked truck]
The Joker: [to Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!
The Dark Knight, Nolan, 2008

Indiana: The Ark of the Covenant, the chest that the Hebrews used to carry around the Ten Commandments.
Major Eaton: What, you mean THE Ten Commandments?
Indiana: Yes, the actual Ten Commandments, the original stone tablets that Moses brought down from Mt. Horeb and smashed, if you believe in that sort of thing…
[the officers stare at him blankly]
Indiana: Didn’t any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?
Raiders of the Lost Ark, Speilberg, 1981

Léon: You need some time to group up a little.
Mathilda: I finished growing up, Léon. I just get older.
Léon: For me it’s the opposite. I’m old enough. I need time to grow up.
Mathilda: Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid?
Léon: Always like this.
The Professional (Léon )Besson, 1994

Delia Surridge: [V gives her a rose] Are you going to kill me now?
V: I killed you 10 minutes ago.
[shows her hypodermic needle]
V: While you slept.
Delia Surridge: Is there any pain?
V: No.
Delia Surridge: Thank you. Is it too late to apologize?
V: Never.
Delia Surridge: I’m so sorry.
V For Vendetta, McTeigue, 2006

Foreign Language

Antonia: This is no time for Schopenhauer. This is important.
Antonia’s Line, Gorris, 1995

Narrator: On September 3rd 1973, at 6:28pm and 32 seconds, a bluebottle fly capable of 14,670 wing beats a minute landed on Rue St Vincent, Montmartre. At the same moment, on a restaurant terrace nearby, the wind magically made two glasses dance unseen on a tablecloth. Meanwhile, in a 5th-floor flat, 28 Avenue Trudaine, Paris 9, returning from his best friend’s funeral, Eugène Colère erased his name from his address book. At the same moment, a sperm with one X chromosome, belonging to Raphaël Poulain, made a dash for an egg in his wife Amandine. Nine months later, Amélie Poulain was born.
Amélie, Jeunet, 2001

Michel Poiccard: When we talked, I talked about me, you talked about you, when we should have talked about each other.
Breathless [À bout de souffle] Godard, 1960

Animated

Mr. Fox: [in a cellar with many of the other animal characters] Allright, let’s start planning. Who knows shorthand?
[Linda raises her hand]
Mr. Fox: Great! Linda! Lutra Lutra – you got some dry paper?
[she holds up some paper]
Mr. Fox: Here we go. Mole! Talpa Europea! What d’you got?
Mole: I can see in the dark.
Mr. Fox: That’s incredible! We can use that! Linda?
Linda Otter: Got it.
Mr. Fox: Rabbit! Oryctolagus Cuniculus!
Rabbit: I’m fast.
Mr. Fox: You bet you are. Linda?
Linda Otter: Got it.
Mr. Fox: Beaver! Castor Fiber!
Beaver: I can chew through wood.
Mr. Fox: Amazing! Linda!
Linda Otter: Got it.
Mr. Fox: Badger! Meles Meles!
Badger: Demolitions expert.
Mr. Fox: What? Since when?
The Fantastic Mr. Fox, Anderson, 2009

Sosuke: [after several waves with eyes fail to catch him by the shore] That was weird.
Ponyo (Gake no ue no Ponyo, dubbed Japanese), Miyakazi, 2008

Gru: Clearly we need to set a few rules. Rule number one: You will not touch anything.
Margo: Aha. What about the floor?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor
Margo: What about the air?
Gru: Yes, you may touch the air.
Edith: What about this?
[Holds a ray gun on her hands, the laser sight aimed right at Gru]
Gru: Ah! Where did you get that?
Edith: Found it.
[Gru takes it away from her]
Gru: Rule number two: You will not bother me while I’m working. Rule number three: You will not cry, or whine, or laugh, or giggle, or sneeze or barf or fart! So no, no, no annoying sounds. All right?
Agnes: Does this count as annoying?
[puckles her cheeks]
Gru: [Stops her] Very!
Despicable Me, Coffin/Renaud, 2010

Science Fiction

Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You all wanna be looking very intently at your own belly buttons. I see a head start to rise, violence is going to ensue. Probably guessed we mean to be thieving here but what we’re after is not yours. So, let’s have no undue fussing.

~ and ~

The Operative: That girl will rain destruction down on you and your ship. She is an albatross, Captain.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Way I remember it, albatross was a ship’s good luck, ’til some idiot killed it.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: [to Inara] Yes, I’ve read a poem. Try not to faint.
Serenity, Whedon, 2005

[HAL’s shutdown]
HAL: I’m afraid. I’m afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I’m a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you’d like to hear it I can sing it for you.
Dave Bowman: Yes, I’d like to hear it, HAL. Sing it for me.
HAL: It’s called “Daisy.”
[sings while slowing down]
HAL: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I’m half crazy all for the love of you. It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.
2001: A Space Odyssey, Kubrick, 1968

Batty: I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time… like tears in rain… Time to die.
Deckard: [narrating] I don’t know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life – anybody’s life; my life. All he’d wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die.
Blade Runner, Scott, 1982

Classics

Mary: Bread… that this house may never know hunger.
[Mary hands a loaf of bread to Mrs. Martini]
Mary: Salt… that life may always have flavor.
[Mary hands a box of salt to Mrs. Martini]
George Bailey: And wine… that joy and prosperity may reign forever.
[George hands Mr. Martini a bottle of wine]
It’s a Wonderful Life, Capra, 1946

Who are those guys?
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Hill, 1969

Captain Renault: I’ve often speculated why you don’t return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Run off with a senator’s wife? I like to think you killed a man. It’s the Romantic in me.
Casablanca, Curtiz, 1942

I don’t know when I came to realize it, but my entire life can be summarized with sound bites.
Mi Vita Loca, Lee McBride, 2011

I don’t know about you, but I have about a gadgillion bookmarked pages in Firefox. It’s a beautiful thing that Internet search engines work exactly the way my mind does: “Oh look! A shiny thing! A poodle in a vest! Follow it!” Anyone who knows me has inevitably experienced my free-form, multi-tangent way of conversing (which only intensifies after stimulants). The advent of Stumble Upon was both a blessing and a curse. Here I offer up some of the reasons I’ll never have the time to hold a real job:

The Cool Hunter: The Cool Hunter says of itself: “We select and celebrate what is beautiful and enduring from all that is sought-after in architecture, design, gadgets, lifestyle, urban living, fashion, travel and pop culture. We remain relevant by staying ahead of and outside of trends and fads — the fickle shifts in taste and style. The Cool Hunter digs deeper, finding tomorrow’s icons and classic phenomena. We are a prized reference point of choice for a global creative community.” What I say: there’s really cool stuff here! Everything that floats your boat and a few I bet you didn’t even know about yet. Check it out.

The Book Seer: Thank the patron saint of the written word (whoever that is) for The Book Seer! He is your virtual librarian, the one who’s read all the titles and knows what you dig and what you don’t. Stunningly simple in design, the Book Seer poses your question for you: “Ambassador, I’ve just finished reading Title by Author . What should I read next?” You type in the info, and he pops out reading recommendations! How awesome is that? A must for all us bibliojunkies.

Knoword: Yeah, it’s a game…but it ain’t Farmville (kill me). This, my dears, is for those of us who fancy ourselves dictionaries-made-flesh. From the site: “When you begin, you will be given one randomly generated dictionary definition along with the first letter of its corresponding word. You must fill in the rest of the word to experience a gain in points and an added time bonus. You will start off with one minute before the game ends, and every word is an opportunity to extend your time.” Even a total word snob like me gets owned every once in a while – this isn’t a crossword puzzle you can take hours to do. The pressure! I love the pressure!

Cute Overload: Quick! A qualifier here before you tune out! You know those e-mails your ma sends? The ones you delete immediately, when you see the subject line (“Thought you’d think this was cute!”)? Well, Cute Overload isn’t that. And it’s not the adorable pics of various animals that gets you grinning in spite of yourself, it’s the damn fine captioning abilities of the writers. They even have a Glossary to discuss the terms they’ve coined on the site. Smart, funny and not afraid to mention drinking or boobies. That’s right, I said it..there’s a Cats ‘N’ Racks section (pictures of kitties and cleavage, for the slow-witted in the crowd). That’s all right, boy readership, you can thank me later.

Sporcle: Sporcle’s tagline is ‘mentally stimulating diversions,” which allows you to justify fakking about on the Internets pretending you’re Cerebro. The site is chock-full of games and quizzes on Geography, Entertainment, Science, History, Literature, Sports, Language, Just For Fun, Religion, Movies, Television, Music, Gaming, Miscellaneous and (running…out…of…breath!) Holidays. Take yer pick. Just have the Panic button ready if you’re at work, you slacker.

The Pioneer Woman | Ree Drummond: I came across this site whilst attempting to find a less-boring way to prep a potato. As I had it pointed out to me recently, paper cookbooks are going the way of the dodo. Found an awesome recipe for Crash Hot Potatoes which has now become a staple in this house for the starch eaters. On top of her considerable talent in the kitchen, Missus Drummond manages a sharp blog (on several subjects other than cuisine) and takes really pretty pictures. As she notes, her writing is ultimately about her “long transition from spoiled city girl to domestic country wife.” And she takes shots of her cowboy husband in chaps. Yeah, that’s cookin.’

Kijiji: Kijiji (“village” in Swahili) is like an online Value Village/Talize/Goodwill/Sally Ann, with the added benefit of a ‘haggling allowed’ policy. They have sites for over a dozen countries and most of the major cities and burbs of said countries. I love Kijiji! Just last week I scored a solid wood desk and chair for my girl for $60, and I’m pretty sure I was still in my jammies when I called to say I’d take it. I know some of y’all might be Craigslist aficionados, but I have to say that the name is (in my mind) synonymous with ‘creepy-psychopath-waiting-to-kill-you.’

Dear Blank, Please Blank: Hans Johnson and Jared Wunsch have essentially provided a place for people to get their ya-yas out, usually in hilariously funny (if not a tad offside) ways. The premise is easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy: 1. You write Dear Who-or-What you want to address, 2. You pen your gripe 3. You sign off. For example:

Dear Nickelback,

That’s enough.

Sincerely, the world.

Very funny stuff.

CD Baby: Once while searching for a Deb Talan CD online, all I was finding were eBay ads that listed it as an import (she’s from Massachusetts) and were trying to charge about $60 (I could buy a freaking wood desk for that!) Anyway, it’s a good thing I didn’t have that kind of cash burning a hole in my pocket, because my persistence found me CD Baby, a distributor of independent music – run by musicians for musicians – that charges very reasonable green for discs and only a few bucks for shipping. You also get adorable, personalized confirmation e-mails from them and they have an awesome ‘Explore Music’ feature which matches your tastes in artist/album/styles or ‘sounds like’ categories and hands you some great suggestions, which you can listen to on the site.

Instructables: Always wanted to know how to make a porcupine napkin holder? How about scoring the recipe for ‘Dirt Cake With Gummy Worms’? Interested in browsing ‘The Clueless Guy’s Guide to Buying Flowers’? Instructables is the site for you. With the tagline ‘share what you make,’ the site boasts thousands of reader-submitted, step-by-step instructions for well, almost everything.

Vanity Fair: This is my guilty pleasure. I just included it here because I heart V.F. so much. I don’t actually expect you to like it. And if you do check the site (or the mag) after my suggestion, don’t blame me for George Wayne. How this annoying sycophant stays employed, I don’t rightly know. Thank God they have Annie Leibovitz’s pictures to make up for it. I love the glossy images, reading about the rich and famous, and occasionally even learning something about international politics (admittedly not often). Nah, who am I kidding. It’s the pictures.

IMDb (Internet Movie Database): I think I checked imdb.com a dozen times just yesterday. What’s that guy’s name from The Office (US) who was in Juno? What else did Mary McDonnell do after Passion Fish? I had no idea that was Jimmy Fallon in Almost Famous! If you love dem movies/tv shows/made-for-TV-movies/after school specials, and you’re the type to stay up all night until you remember all seven dwarfs’ names, this is the lifeline you need to bookmark.

Thanks for tuning in. Send me your suggestions!